"Faith is a way of waiting—never quite knowing, never quite hearing or seeing, because in the darkness we are all but a little lost. There is doubt hard on the heels of every belief, fear hard on the heels of every hope, and many holy things lie in ruins because the world has ruined them and we have ruined them. But faith waits even so, delivered at least from that final despair which gives up waiting altogether because it sees nothing left worth waiting for.”
- Frederick Buechner, Secrets in the Dark
I've started to write this update many times, and I cry every time so I put it off. The tears don't seem to be going anywhere, so I press on, with a very honest update. Waiting is a weary business. Here we are, 23 months into waiting for our baby and these days, it feels like it just will never happen. With that 2 years of officially waiting being next month, it's hard to believe.
What I do believe in is Emmanuel, which mean God with us. Emmanuel shows up in the friend who hands you her baby cause she knows baby cuddles is therapy. Emmanuel is in the prayer you didn't request because our people don't forget us. Emmanuel is the texts from friends hoping for us. Emmanuel is our parents being excited when we find it hard to be. Emmanuel holds our empty arms close to him always.
We wait and wait and wait. We have no choice but to do so. Wish I had something that felt forward moving instead of stuck in this limbo. Life feels like it's on hold. Even with having a nursey ready, it doesnt feel forward moving, it feels normal for it to be empty. I don't know why we are still waiting. I have my theories and guesses, but none of them are helpful or actually give answers. I struggle with feeling left out because I'm not a Mom. I worry we'll be super old parents. I have a hard time fighting the feeling of any of any this being fair.
I hold to the promise that I read on so many adoption blogs (and a onesies a friend gave us): worth the wait. I can not wait (ha) for the day when I know that feeling to be true.