I wrote last that I was discouraged by the news of a "year and half average wait" when we met with our social worker. Even when I wrote those words I was trying to be more hopeful than I was feeling, telling you all that I was just "a little discouraged". As the days went on, my hope that I had this past year as we moved forward in our home study seemed to slowly disappear.
Days after being told how long the wait truly might be, I went on our yearly mission trip called Project Serve. I welcomed the business of preparing and being on the trip, to distract me from how I was feeling deep down. I should of known better, with the theme being "Broken" and all I couldn't truly not acknowledge what I was processing in my heart. Knowing the messages that would be taught and the songs we would sing, I couldn't escape from what I was feeling. We sang a song called "Come As You Are" (see video below) and I just started crying.
"Hope for the hopeless."
I was running lyrics for worship and the tears wouldn't stop as Kendra and Griffin sang the song. I asked a friend to take over for me and simply tired to escape all that I was feeling. As I paced the hall trying pull myself together, I kept hearing the words to the song that I was trying to get away from. They were words I needed for my heart to truly process what I was feeling.
"So lay down your burdens."
While the song is more about those who have wandered more than a broken hearted girl, I felt like the song was just for me.
"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."
I felt the sorrow I thought had been replaced with hope this past year was returning. My heart felt so broken with the news of a year and half wait. I was back to living on the edge of tears, not knowing what would make me upset. So tired of living that way. When folks on the trip asked that all familiar "How the adoption process going?", I thankfully felt comfortable enough to be honest with my discouragement. I may have cried on one of them, who graciously told me "thank you for being honest". Many folks don't know what to do with tears and sorrow, so I can't not put into words how much those words meant to me. That I simply could feel how I was feeling and that was okay.
"Come as you are."
I share all of this with a grateful heart that I am able to share it. That I have such an amazing community in my life that will carry me through this hard time. Who will hope for me when I don't have any hope. While I may not be as hopeful as I once was, I don't doubt God's goodness in all this. He has shown Himself in far too many ways to doubt that. I keep being told by adoptive parents that it is so worth the wait. That is the hope I cling to these days and to once again to learn to hold sorrow and joy in the same hand.