Been a month since our social worker came to our home and told us it would be 2-3 weeks before our home study would be approved. 4 weeks and one email to her later, we are still waiting for it to be approved. Her supervisor has to approve it and she is backed up currently. So, we're waiting to wait. 

This past summer has been an up and down one for me as far as my emotions go. When we were working through the paperwork, I was so hopeful in this process because I felt movement. We were be active and doing something. Then the news of how long we might have to actually wait. The limbo time we are sitting in now, some days are just simply harder than others. I wish I knew when those days would come, but they always come without a warning.  An old friend wrote this regarding how she felt after a miscarriage:

That’s grief. It’s unpredictable, sometimes ugly and it fights you when you try to micromanage it. I have already found myself tempted to hurry the grieving process. Hurrying to get to the healing part. Hurrying to find lessons and use this to encourage someone else. Hurrying to figure out what this means for our future. But I’m trying to slow down. To sit in the pain a bit and give God room to speak.

Her words helped me name my feelings. What I am experiencing is grief to which I don't think I recognized until reading these words that could be my own. It's as if the words I didn't know I had come along to comfort me. Reminds me also of Lauren Winner's book 'Still', when she hit a wall in her faith and instead of pushing past it, she sat at the wall to see what God had for her there. Its hard work to do that. To sit with grief and see what it has for you instead of telling it what you have for it. Im also comforted by the Psalms "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." and Isaiah "...a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." As I was reminded in a sermon not long ago, our tears mean so much to Jesus and Jesus grieves with us. 

In the adoption support group, a new to the group birth mom asked "What do adoptive mother's have to grieve over?". As frustrating as this question is, I can understand why she asked it. We don't give up a baby like birth mothers do, but we certainly experience loss. For this hopeful adoptive mom, I grieve the fact that Jason and I will probably never know what our biological children would look like. I grieve how long this process is taking and watching so many easily get pregnant and in 9 short months a child will be added to their family. I grieve the brokenness of this world and how unfair everything feels right now. In the mist of this Im so thankful for a Savior who grieves with me and doesn't ask me to believe in platitudes. For friends who say along with me "You're right, that feels really unfair." For the alerts from our adopt together page say that yet another person has donated to our adoption fund. Thank you to those of you who sit with us in this grief and hope with us. 



Authoralisa windsor