I feel like this early in the process that I should probably save that title, but here we are, still waiting to hear back from Bethany about paperwork being approved and being matched with a social worker. I have asked our intake coordinator a few times how long this part of the process typically takes, no straight answer just that we'll be contacted by a social worker next. Every big news we have gotten from Bethany has been when Jason and I are not together. I secretly hoped that maybe while I was in Jamaica on a Spring Break trip, we'd get an email, if we were to follow that pattern. Ive been back two weeks now and nothing. Its been over a month since we turned in our paperwork. Recently, I asked our community group to pray for us to get some answers. When Jim (our community group leader) recapped the prayer requests he said "Pray for patience for the Windsors as they wait for answers." I kinda cut him off and said "I didn't ask for patience, I asked you guys to pray for answers!" Everyone laughed. I was partly kidding sure, but if Im truly honest, I do not want patience. I want answers! Even if it means we'll be waiting months and months, I just want to know that. All the silence just makes it feel like nothing is moving forward.
Last week I was making slides for the message at Fuse and as I typed out 2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." I just kinda sat with these words for a moment after I typed them. I hate taking scripture out of context so I kinda dismissed the thought of them. Then I began to be a bit frustrated with God, telling Him that he could of fooled me. That this passage isn't talking about adoption so it doesn't apply to me. However, those words, the fact that God is not slow...instead he is patient with you... oh how those are deeply true. What I do know and trust is that God does have the bigger picture that we don't have as far as timing. Its completely maddening but I trust it. I have to, otherwise, there is no hope in the waiting.
The small amount of baby items I purchased at the consignment sales sits in an open box right by our bedroom door. I see it everyday, as a small reminder that we will someday be parents. Its the only physical proof that I have to remind myself that is actually happening. Those who have asked after us and our process, thank you so much. When people ask, I'd think it's like asking a women who is pregnant "How are you feeling?" just that our "pregnancy" is a lot longer than 9 months. This is something I still grieve that I won't ever experience, so the care that I feel in asking means more than I can say. Im feel bad that the answer isn't more exciting but thankfully the response I get to "we're still waiting" is compassion and understand that waiting is hard and no one likes it. Having a community of people who long with us, hopes for us, prays for peace for us during this time of waiting, I wish I had the words to tell you how deeply that means and carries us through the waiting.